Dum, Dum, De, Dum (Part Deux)

Wedding bells, pigs in a blanket, ice sculptures, drunken DJ’s, uncomfortable moments with children, yep it was all there in the spectacle of public humiliation I like to call a wedding.
We traveled to beautiful Edison for the union of our friends and despite some traffic on Route Mall I mean Route 1 we made it on time to wait a half hour for the ceremony to start.

Here’s the thing about weddings. There are few times in life when you get to stand up in front of a crowded room, dress like it’s the 1950s and recite dialog cheesier than anything George Lucas could write. It is a singular moment of terror and embarrassment. Yeah, yeah, yeah there’s all this crying, mainly by the parents, flowers and other hokey-dokey-lovey stuff but primarily this is a chance for your friends to poke fun at you.

Now, I don’t want to rain on my friends parade. A lovely time was had by all. The free hooch almost assures that so here are just some general wedding thoughts and we’ll just leave it open as to where they came from.

  • White people can’t do the electric slide anymore. I’ll let you get away with the chicken dance because you’re supposed to look stupid when you do the chicken dance and beside I need a few songs to go have a pee. If black folk want to keep doing the electric slide, fine. But white people need to knock this off. I’m not picking on white folk. Heck, you Asian people should probably hit the bar too when that song comes on. 
  •  Another barbaric ritual that needs to go “bye, bye” is the whole garter throwing followed by a mini-porn show. Hey, let me think about this. The last time I watched porn with my family was…..hmmm…Never! Why exactly must we all be put into this uncomfotble situation at a family function. Oh, yeah and it’s really great when a little girl catches the bouquet and a little boy grabs the garter. Yeah, that’s a comfortable to watch. Hey I got an idea. Let me just jab this salad fork under my nail. It’s gotta be less painful. It’s even better when grandma and grandpa get in on the action. OK, I’ll let bridzilla throw the flowers because I know to pick and choose my battles but let’s skip the rest, cut the cake and go home.
  • If you must hire a DJ make sure he stays sober. Actually, I think we’ve reached the point where it’s not necessary to have a DJ anymore. I mean, can’t you find a wedding playlist on iTunes by now. If you can’t hire a living breathing band and, I understand it’s expensive, at least keep the DJ out of the sauce. Yeah, we saw it happen. It wasn’t pretty.
  • While we’re on bands. This whole paying for them to eat thing has got to go. When me and C hired our band. It was actually in the contract that we had to feed them dinner. An extra $40 a head at that time. The band leader explained to me that “We work an 8 hour night and you wouldn’t feel to good if you didn’t eat during work.” Yeah buddy but my boss doesn’t buy the pizza every day. Here’s my suggestion: bring a sack lunch.
  • Buffet dessert. Do fat Americans really need dessert stations, chocolate fountains, a pastries tray. When they opened the dessert bar last weekend there was a mini-stampede. It was like they were giving away free booze or something. Hey, wait a minute…
  • Has anyone else noticed they don’t let you object anymore. Lord, I haven’t heard that in a wedding since I don’t know when. Now, I’m sure this avoids a lot of awkward moments, but if I’m spending my Saturday afternoon off at a banquet hall and shelling out good money on a gift I want the right to object. It might just be me but I do have principles.

JC

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